I remember being a child and getting very very sad when I was yelled at. Deep down, I would feel anguished and that really hurt me. I always had in my mind that I wanted to, somehow, take on parenting without yelling. This was something I was very positive I was going to achieve.
It’s just so easy to imagine that you can do it better than your parents did, or other people do. But when it’s finally your turn, you realize it takes a village. Parenting is a lot harder and more complex than it looks.
Sometimes we make mistakes, even if we’re trying to do the right thing
When my oldest son was about 12 months old, he started throwing toys and doing things that, in my mind, were completely unacceptable. I wanted to start teaching him from that age that his behavior could not be tolerated. I wanted so much to make sure that my kid was going to be obedient, that I yelled at him many times for things that were so simple and that would not affect his character when he became a grown up.
The thing I was failing to understand, was simply that he was just a child! I was the adult and my job was to teach him to be obedient, just as much as to be kind and gentle with other people.
Was I doing that? No! Heck, I wasn’t.
The best way to teach someone is by example, and the example I was setting at that time, was of an impatient, intolerant, authoritarian, and harsh mother. ( I also want to point out that I was pregnant with my second child, which made my hormones go crazy and my mood swings were all over me).
My husband and I decided to try a different approach and be more patient with him. He deserved our respect and we had to set a good example. Since then, we’ve had many highs and lows, but at least we became more intentional about setting an example of patience and kindness. I guess this is what every parent wants.
It’s ok if I made mistakes or if you made mistakes. We were simply trying to do the right thing. We were simply trying to show them that it’s not ok to be disobedient, disrespectful, and misbehave. Ultimately, we were just trying to make sure they will grow up to become decent people, who can love and be kind to their neighbor.
Here are 7 actionable steps to help you make the big change and start parenting without yelling:
Just remember one thing. This doesn’t mean that you will never ever yell again! It might happen if you’re really stressed out. It might happen if you have a terrible day.
I know that every time we lose our temper and end up yelling we’re filled with guilt. It sucks!
But when that happens, remember one thing: when the day is over and the sun rises the next morning, a new opportunity will also rise with it. An opportunity to make the right decision, take better action and teach with love and kindness.
Like in Proverbs 31:26:
“When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.”
Don’t beat yourself up. You’re only human. Just wipe the slate clean and start over, willing to be the kind mama on Proverbs 31. 🙂
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Make the ultimate decision to take on parenting without yelling at your kids
The first and most important actionable step you can take in order to make this big change is the decision to take on parenting without yelling! Once you make the decision and your heart and mind are willing to make the effort, you’re more likely to be successful.
This won’t be an easy ride.Once you’ve been yelling and correcting your child with anger for any length of time, it becomes a little hard to let go of the habit. But practice makes everything easier to be achieved!
If you have setbacks, (which you will if you’re a normal human) don’t beat yourself up. I will repeat it: wipe the slate clean and start over. The next steps will help you a lot on following through with your decision.They’re great tools to help keep your mind, heart and body focused on acting with kindness and love.
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When a situation (in which you would yell) arises, take a deep breath
When something makes us really angry, our first instinct is to act with anger, obviously. But remember you just made the decision to take on parenting without yelling? To teach with kindness instead?
Yea, so take a deep breath as you reflect on that decision. Even take two if needed!
And think about how following through will benefit you and your child, not only today but also in the long run! Taking that deep breath will help you calm down and organize your thoughts to follow the strategies we’re gonna talk about here!
So don’t skip it.
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Remove your child from the scene or remove the object causing the problem
Once you have your thoughts in place and are ready to take action, remove your child from the scene of the situation.
If what’s triggering the whole thing is an object, remove it.This will end the situation, but might also make your child angry or frustrated.
Stay calm and move on to the next step!
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Empathize with your kids
Think about how you’d feel if that was you! I know you’re an adult and you probably wouldn’t care if someone took your plastic fire truck. What I mean is, try to see the situation with the innocent eyes and heart of a child.
They could be really sad that another child took their toy. Or that it started raining and now you can’t go to the park anymore. They don’t understand why. When they’re yelling at you or crying, they’re not trying to hurt your feelings. They’re mad, sad, and feeling all kinds of emotions they don’t know how do deal with.
So it’s your job, as a parent, to try and help them figure out what’s the best way to deal with those emotions.
Explain that you understand them, that you know how they feel in that moment. Name the feeling. If you see they’re frustrated, say it. “Sweetie, I know you’re frustrated because John took your toy truck, but kicking the other toys isn’t the best way to respond”.
Explain why that behavior is not acceptable. We often tell them doing something is wrong, but we fail to explain why. Explaining to them why it’s wrong can help them truly understand it and act differently the next time. (Now, this wouldn’t work for an infant, but it might be good to start practicing it with your toddler even if they don’t talk yet. Believe me, they can understand a lot, even if it doesn’t seem like it).
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Teach them what would be an appropriate behavior
You took a deep breath, removed what was triggering their inappropriate behavior, empathized with them, explaining you understand their feelings, but that their behavior wasn’t the best response. Now it’s time to teach with kindness. Explain the appropriate way to respond to the situation. This depends on the situation itself and it’s totally up to you, but I will give an example to make it easier.
When Samuel, our oldest son (here’s the story of his birth), is playing with a toy, his brother comes and tries taking it away from him. And he’s usually pretty successful on his attempts. Needless to say that Sam gets very angry! He pushes Daniel (here’s the story of Daniel’s birth) and yells at him.
I used to get angry and impatient every time because this happens frequently. Several times a day. I used to yell at him so he wouldn’t do this anymore. But all my yelling did, was to get him even angrier. So I started following the steps above and I explained that instead of yelling and pushing his brother, which could hurt him, he could simply call me and ask me to deal with Daniel.In this case, I have to come and intervene for him, but in many other situations, you would be able to give them an easier solution that they can do themselves.
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Praise them for their good behavior
When I first became a mom, I wasn’t used to praising my son every time he behaved well. If you think about it, you don’t go around praising people for every simple good act.You praise the bigger ones, right?
But the thing is, with kids, every simple good behavior is a big reason to celebrate! It might look very small, but in truth, it’s a big achievement! They’re just learning. It’s HUGE!
When I realized the difference this makes to them, I started doing it a lot more frequently! Sam gets so excited and happy every time we praise his good behavior, that next time he’s more likely to behave well.
He knows everyone will be happy and he’ll see us clap and get excited with him!
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Be creative. Change the subject!
By observing other people, I saw that when it comes to parenting, being creative can be one of the most effective strategies. Change the subject, grab another toy, start something different. Completely drive their attention from one thing to another. You’ll see how fast they can forget about what was causing their bad behavior in the first place. I will share a brief story, just so you can picture what I’m talking about:
It was my birthday, and we went to a restaurant with some friends and their kids. We ordered Sam his own meal, but he kept looking at our friend’s fries! {laugh}
Our friend kept giving his fries to Sam until he gave him his last piece. His granddaughter started crying because she really wanted that last piece of fries.
If I was him, I would have insisted in the same subject and it would totally have led the situation to a huge tantrum. Instead of doing that, he pointed at her chin and said she had a piece of strawberry on it! Everybody laughed, including her, who immediately forgot about the fries. End of story!
Sometimes your creativity can play a bigger role than any other strategy or technique in the book! You know what I mean? Be playful with your kids and don’t be so serious all the time (if the situation allows it)!
Try these tools and start parenting without yelling
Parenting without yelling can be very positive for your relationship with your kids. Not only that, but it will definitely change the way they respond to what happens around them.
I get that it can be really frustrating when they don’t listen to you! Believe me, I get it! It can be really frustrating when they think you’re joking, but you’re being as serious as you can be. It’s not easy to deal with their inappropriate behavior.
But if you can manage to control your own emotions, act and talk with kindness no matter what they’re doing, they will end up realizing that kindness comes from the inside out. Not the other way around.
Do you have any special tips on how to control your temper and act/react with kindness despite the situation? I’d love to hear that in the comments.
Be blessed and remember: everything I share here is in the hopes it will help you parent better. There’s no one-fits-all way of parenting! Take what works for you and toss the rest. I’m allowing you to do that {smile}.
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